sharleenherself

Media and Arts student at the University of Adelaide. Gamer. Reader. TV consumer. All of the above have a causal relationship with a severe caffeine addiction.

A very tiresome update about nothing.

An hour ago I was ready to give up. I’ve spent my entire life being responsible. Everything I own, everything I have, everything I am is owed to me. I have a loving family, but everything I can claim I have done myself - my job, my savings account, my position in university, my car, the useless material goods we all accumulate over twenty years of life. Without the support of family and friends, I wouldn’t have what I have. But at the end of the day, it ends with me. My effort. My sleepless nights. My stress migraines. My sacrifices.

At the end of day, when you forget the small ways I am irresponsible (with my health, my friends, my day to day life), I have always been sensible and made good choices.

Usually this is enough. Usually I am proud.

But today my head was filled with worry. Financial responsibility, in particular, is a heavy burden. The ties between work and government funding for my study are getting more complicated. The government is giving me nothing and taking so much that while I still have a savings account that could keep me stable for a while, and a job with plenty of hours, finance is getting tough. Not like “oh sweet Jesus I’m broke” tough, just “I need to figure this out so it can stop keeping me up at night, and oh yeah, I guess getting the money I deserve would be cool, too”.

Financial worries are always in the back of my mind. I support myself, completely. And that’s scary. I don’t have a financial fall back, either. If I can’t pay my bills, I am screwed. And all of that got to me today, more than usual.

And then I came home and made a cup of coffee and decided things could be worse. Things could be a lot worse. Just lately my problems seem to have compounded and multiplied. I am sure I’ll feel a lot better when I get back to classes and the stretched-out-bone-tired feeling of being a scholar. I am sure I’ll feel a lot better when I regain some semblance of routine that is more than having to be at work. I am sure I’ll feel a lot better when I sort out government versus work. I am sure I’ll feel a lot better.

  1. sharleenherself posted this